New Year 2022!!
Wow! Well, here we are in 2022, and it’s February already! How did that happen?!!
I intended to be more regular with my blog posts, but the last few months have been a bit rough.
I slouched wearily and warily into the new year. Fearing more of the same. All I could see for the future was ongoing uncertainty and inertia. I’d overthought myself into a rut of inaction. Picking over the bones of the past, reviving old wounds. Building up all those indignities and mistakes as proof that things would never get better, and I was doomed. Doomed to commit the same mistakes. Doomed to do the same agonising dance of 1 step forward, 1 step back. Trying, but never really getting anywhere.
What hope was there to be found in a world in turmoil, so many people suffering and communities divided. My own health slipping. I had packed on the Covid kilos. 2 years on the couch, eating my feelings had taken their toll. My weight ballooned to an all-time high as my mental health went missing. Ongoing tummy pain resulted in a diagnosis of pancreatitis which, of course, I Googled and was horrified by what it hinted for my long term health. I became fixated on worrying. “What happens if I don’t get healthy?”. “What happens if I don’t lose the weight?”. “WHAT HAPPENS IF I PUT ON MORE WEIGHT?!”.
I wanted to pick myself up, but I just couldn’t find the enthusiasm and courage to do it. What with doom scrolling through social media and news sites, binge watching crime dramas, hourly existential crises and staring vacantly out the window, I barely had the energy to ignore my vege garden let alone work on my health!
In the past, whenever I’ve felt like this, I take myself out for the day. Hop on a bus, go into the city, have a coffee, walk around the shops, check out a museum or go to the movies. Do something that gets me out of the house and redirects my focus. But with Covid raging through the community, that’s not been an option. I’ve been staying home as much as possible which turns out to be a lot. I don’t work, I can get groceries and almost everything else I need delivered and countless streaming services provide me with more entertainment than I could ever watch in a lifetime. The only reason I have to leave home is to attend specialist appointments. And then it’s just in and out. No dilly-dallying. I even suspended my exercise physiology sessions to avoid contact with sweaty, heavily breathing people. Intending to continue the routine by myself at home (who was I kidding!).
So, I sat there. On the couch. Day by day. Feeling fear, numbness and the weight of inaction overwhelm me. “I’ll never get my health back,”. “I’m never going to have anything to look forward to”. And I was right. If I continued with that mindset, nothing would change. At least not for the better.
I had a telehealth appointment with my exercise physiologist, Sarah, at the beginning of January to see how I was going with my exercises. I think I’d done them once or twice in the 6 weeks since I’d seen her last.
The pancreatitis had kept me from exercising for some of that time. And, although I had done a few workouts, my lack of motivation had made it hard. I had a horrible feeling Sarah was going to suggest that we run through the exercises during the telehealth appointment. I was not at all up for doing them in front of her via video link. “How embarrassing!” I thought. So, I decided on an excuse beforehand to get out of doing it. Something weak like I was a bit sore, or the room where my equipment is was too messy. When Sarah inevitably asked: “Do you want to run through the exercises now?”, a strange thing happened; My brain said “No, not really”, but my mouth said “Yeah, sure”. Going through the exercises, I could feel that I’d lost some of the strength I had gained in the 6 months since starting with Sarah. Strength I had felt on Christmas day, when climbing the stairs at my sister’s I realised that it had been much easier than usual and I hadn’t been afraid of falling backwards because my arms and legs were stronger.
Seeing how quickly results had come from the sessions and how quickly it could be lost was the reality check I needed. Sarah and I went through my workout routine, I felt mildly awkward, but I survived, and we arranged to continue my appointments via video link. I was happy to discover that I could replicate chest presses and rowing exercises at home with a length of Theraband secured to an anchor point.
My psychologist appointments started up again after the Christmas/New year’s break. And a funny thing happened there too. I was honest with my psychologist, Emma, in a way I never thought I would be. I told her I’m very good at the talk. Very good at saying I know what needs to be done to move forward. But then, once the appointment is over and the initial boost of confidence and energy has subsided, my thoughts go back to “It’s too hard, I’ll never get there” with a very big side helping of “As If I’m gonna do that! That doesn’t sound like fun.”
I was struggling to believe that I was capable of change. The gap between where I was and where I wanted to be was huge. It felt insurmountable, so why bother? But there was obviously a part of me that knew I had to change and was ready to do it. A part of me that was confronting my obstructive behaviours and calling them out mentally and verbally. Emma helped me see that those negative thoughts and feelings were normal. And not (as my brain had decided) a sign of weakness. She talked me through an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) “defusion” exercise where, instead of trying to push the unhelpful thoughts away, I acknowledge and explore them. For instance, when I’m having a thought that I’m not good enough or I’m not strong enough to resist temptation, I stop and think “I notice I’m having the thought that… (I’ll never reach my goals) … (I want to eat 6 Tim Tams).” And just let that thought swirl around my mind a bit. Let it wander about, mull it over. Yes, I’m having these unhelpful or negative thoughts. But does that mean that they’re true or that I have to act on them? Of course not! Confronting unhelpful thoughts in this way helps to distance me from the feelings associated with the thoughts and to free myself from their power.
When Emma first spoke about defusion techniques, I thought they were “diffusion” techniques. And I imagined the technique working by scattering the unhelpful thoughts into oblivion. Breaking them down until they no longer held any weight. Then I read about it and saw it was spelled “defusion”, as in becoming unattached from thoughts you had fused with, you don’t get rid of them but you reduce the hold they have on you. I like both interpretations. As I sit with the unhelpful thoughts and disentangle myself from them, I visualise them disintegrating and scattering like mist.
There is a quote that popped up on my Facebook page a few weeks ago. I’ve looked around for its author and I either see it attributed to Abraham Lincoln or Author Unknown (that guy writes a lot of stuff!) The quote is about discipline. Something I frequently struggle with.
Reading that was like having all my attempts at self-motivation condensed into one “wow” moment. Put in such a succinct way it seemed so obvious. If I want to reach my goaIs, I’ve got to put the work in now.
Long before the pancreatitis health scare, I had set myself the goal of getting fit and healthy. Which sounds great but how do I go from thought to action? Goals are informed by our values, and having clear goals that align with my values helps me make better choices. Choices that will move me towards my goal. I have started valuing living a healthy and active lifestyle and being caring and nourishing towards myself. The more I practice making healthy choices, the more it becomes natural behaviour.
There is no quick fix. It’s going to take work, time and discipline. I’m going to have to sit with discomfort as I ride waves of Tim Tam cravings and other negative thoughts without giving in to them.
I’m looking forward to the challenge as I attempt to reframe long held beliefs, behaviour patterns and coping mechanisms. With my team of allied health professionals behind me and the ongoing support of my loved ones, it doesn’t feel as hopeless as it did.
Peppa's Place 
Lovely post
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